August 17th

I have never attempted to blog before, so here I go. I doubt anyone will pay any attention to my ramblings here, however I feel so alone in my own neurocese that I can hardly stand to sleep at night for fear I will dream of my pain. However, when I do sleep it feels difficult for me to wake myself and tell myself to get out of bed because I don't want to face another day of loneliness and monotonous activity.

I know what your thinking, I have this amazing fiance who loves me and whome I love in return; why should I be so unhappy. Truth is I know my fiance loves me but at the same time I often feel as though I am not important to him. I feel as though he stays with me because he just doesn't want to be alone anymore and have to look for someone else who might understand his living situation. I feel like no matter what I do I just cannot make him happy. I try so hard to be what he wants me to be. He told me I wasn't understanding enough when he had to leave and do things for his mother and that I made him feel guilty because I miss him so much being we are in a long distance relationship and have not seen him in almost four months. So, I put my feelings aside and quit acting so disappointed when he got off the phone early. But then he got upset and thought I didnt care about him anymore.

Then I wanted to quit being impatient with him when he said things that hurt my feelings, when he said he would call at a specific time and not call at all, when he acted as though I was nonexistent whenever his friends were around or when he spent the night at a specific friend's house and he still wasn't happy. I changed every aspect of myself he said he didn't like about me to make him happy and it was not enough for him. I even got rid of what pride i had left and tried to make amends with his friend whom had been the cause of a great deal lf mine and my fiance's fights. The friend was absolutely cruel toward me even though I was the one with pure intentions and carrying the white flag and it felt as though my attept to make things better meant little to nothing to my fiance. Maybe I am wrong, but this is how I ruly feel. i just love him so much I cannot bring myself to leave and even now the thought of not having him in my life is a thought I cannot bear. I just wish i was good enough for him and could make him as happy as he deserves to be. as long as he wants me I will continue to do my best to make him happy. I know it sounds like I am demonizing him; not true. I just refuse to divulge the horrendous environment he is forced to live in day after day. Yet another reason I want to make things happier for him. Well, I have vented my pain enough for today, maybe by the time I blog next things will be better. I certainly hope so.